Livin' Off The Wall [entries|friends|calendar] offthewall76 [ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ] [ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

3 |& ? Goodbye [14 Jul 2005|09:46pm] I will no longer be posting in this Live Journal. If you're interested in following me to my next location, please email me at speeddemon76531@yahoo.com Mike

3 |& ? Only The Beginning Of Yet Another Rant [13 Jul 2005|08:16pm] Have you ever just stopped in the middle of your day and wondered "what the fuck is wrong with people?". I'm having one of those days today. My grandad always used to say "I'll never understand people" and sometimes I really know what he's talking about. After reading a journal entry by a friend of mine who's obviously on another planet and reading an e-mail from an absolute psycho, I think I've just had it. Plain and simple. One of my two bosses' last day is Friday, and the other of the two bosses is on vcation, so this week has been a lengthy exercise in keeping yourself occupied when you have absolutely no direction. I've tried to keep my Net surfing to a minimum, but it's inevitable. I hate goofing off at work, because my attitude is "If they're paying you, you should be working", so when I'm doing stuff not work-related during work hours, I feel guilty. So I end up checking my email 77 times a day hoping that someone has left me a project. On Friday it'll officially be a month since I started this job, and I can officially say I don't like it too much. There's definitely a bunch of "too cool for the room" types there and only a handful who are actually friendly. People have always told me that the music industry is full of assholes, but I never really believed it until now. The benefits are really good here, I'm just unsure if I want to stick around and be practical or go off and look for something else. I've never in my life quit a job of my own accord, so this would be weird. But I think the misery will get worse and not better, so maybe I should jump ship before it gets too far out to sea. Damn, I was gonna say something else and I completely forgot what it was. I HATE when that happens. I'll come back later.

1 |& ? Happy 4th [04 Jul 2005|01:08pm] [ mood | indifferent ] From craigslist: "I love to jerk off sniffing ass, balls, feet, farts, underwear. Piss on me too if you want. safe player. Not seeking suck or f***. Jerk off scenes. I am good looking Italian in decent shape. You be similar and caucasian descent. I'd be willing to pay for your farts." You think maybe this is why I can't get a date? I'm almost happy that I don't. Anyway, it's been a quiet weekend. The highlight for me was watching Live 8. I'm old enough to remember the original Live Aid pretty clearly...and I seem to remember it being a much better show! The performances were decent but not great this time around-Green Day was awesome, as were Jay-Z & Linkin Park. As was The Who. Everyone else? From what I saw? Eh. And the fact that the VH-1 and MTV talking heads were interviewing the most vapid members of the audience didn't help. However, if you are interested in pressuring the leaders of the 8 most economically developed countries in the world to forgive debt and propose aid to countries in Africa that DESPERATELY need help, please visit www.live8live.com and sign the petition. Picture my cynical ass thinking a signature might make a difference. Perusing the site certainly increased my awareness. Sometimes we take the comfort of our lives for granted. The Epinions issue I brought up in my last post has been blown way out of proportion. The ultimate result is thatnothing I said made a dent in anyone's ear. I feel that a lot of people read my journal and have conversations with me and have a mental image of me that taints the way they see me when I'm in business mode. Me asking a simple question turns into Mike having a mental moment again. The bottom line is, nothing's going to change and now there are a lot of people out there that I think significantly less of as a result of this whole experience.

2 |& ? Bullshit [01 Jul 2005|07:49am] You know that saying "when it rains, it pours"? It's fucking HAILING right now. I'm obviously irritated by the job. I'm irritated by the fact that my wisdom tooth is pushing up in the back of my mouth and I can't chew. I'm irritated that someone I considered to be one of my best friends decided to use his own journal to take mean-spirited blind-item like potshots at me for something I said in a phone conversation (hi, Eric). I'm irritated that a website that I've given three years worth of reviews to refuses to acknowledge my presence of on the site. I'm irritated because I'm supposed to show a potential roommate the apartment today and the place is a fucking rathole, since I really haven't wanted to do anything other than sleep since I got home Tuesday night/Wednesday morning. I'm irritated because it seems like every single person I encounter turns out to be full of shit. I'm irritated because I can't speak to my grandmother while she's in NYC because my aunt (where she's staying)'s phone doesn't accept incoming calls. Mostly, I'm irritated because there's not really anything I can do about ANY of these things. Every time I feel like things are improving and I'm pushing forward slowly, something happens to push me 10 steps back. It's like trying to climb a mountain in a fucking blizzard. And ultimately, everyone's climbing the same mountain and no one is really willing to help you reach the top-everyone is focused on reaching the top themselves. I'm not looking for sympathy or even advice. I'm just incredibly fucking frustrated and disappointed in people right now.

4 |& ? Man.... [29 Jun 2005|11:17pm] [ mood | melancholy ] ...I just want someone to hug me for a really, really long time.

? Bittersweet Part Two [29 Jun 2005|01:55am] [ mood | contemplative ] I was going to write a long, extended entry aboutmy trip and how it was a bittersweet experience and how I'm not entirely sure about that I'm going about my existence the right way, but it might just be too late and I might just be too tired-that's what a three hour delay on the plane will do to ya. Michigan was fun-Eric is as wild and crazy as ever, and he's got some very nice friends too. The NBA finals, unfortunately, didn't turn out the way either of us wanted to, but Eric got some poontang, so the evening wasn't totally a wash. The rest of the Ypsilanti portion of the weekend was beer, more beer, Chappelle's show, chicken wings, beer, riding through the Detroit ghetto blasting "Illmatic", beer, beer, me dancing to Motown oldies with one of Eric's (female) friends, beer and beer. Meeting up with Scott in GR was different because I'd never physically met him before-although we've been chatting longer than any of my other internet friends (since the end of 2001). We met in the nudists room at ISPQ, both wound up transferring over to ICUII, and have been in constant friendly contact since. He's got a nice house, a nice SUV, and 2 awesome dogs, Moose and Scooby. We spent most of the rest of my trip driving around or watching TV-it was an easy time. While we didn't actually have sex (he is avowed heterosexual and we both knew each other's business long before meeting in person), we did have some sexual contact, which wasn't expected but was cool with both of us. Ultimately he's a very centered, very intelligent guy-exactly where I'd like to be. It was like spending 3 days with your little brother, followed by 3 days with your big brother. I wish I had friends like these guys in closer proximity. It just re-instills my belief that I should probably find a way to get the hell out of New York City. I got the opportunity to do a bit of thinking, and what I'm looking for is not here. My dream job is not at RED. As much as I've been trying to make the most out of the past couple of weeks, and as much as I feel like I've impressed the boss and gotten off to a good start, I don't see myself ultimately being happy there, and quite frankly, I regret taking the job in the first place. There's not much I can do now other than suck it up and try to look for something else in the little free time I have. I have a faint glimmer of hope that things will brighten, but I doubt it tremendously. So, like all trips I take, this one was bittersweet. It sucks that I can't just walk or drive over to Eric's or Scott's and hang out for a couple of hours, but in a way it makes trips like this more special. I might just be trying to make the best of the situation right now because I'm too tired to be depressed...actually, I think that's exactly what it is considering how upset I was earlier, but ultimately we all have to deal with reality, and-fortunately or unfortunately-this is mine.

2 |& ? Taking Off [23 Jun 2005|08:51am] I'm headed to LaGuardia in about ten minutes so I can fly away to Michigan, where I will hopefully (assuredly) have lots of fun with my friends Eric and Scott. Game 7 of the NBA Finals is tonight, so the atmosphere in the Michigan area will be super-charged, and I'm gonna have to cut Eric's celebrating off early because we have to drive home, and I don't know that cabs are readily accessible in Michigan suburbs. Work is still kicking my ass-although I got a smile out of the fact that the lady who shares the office with my boss pulled me aside on her way out yesterday and said "Lou loves you". That definitely wiped my insecurity away temporarily. I gave in yesterday and bought some St. John's Wort so I could calm down a little bit. As often happens, when I get inundated with work, I end up freaking out internally and my concentration gets shot. That should help out-at least a little. I feel like such a square in that office. Everyone else seems to be trying to show how cool they are-I'm all about getting shit done. The girl I'm replacing pulled a pack of rolling papers out of her file cabinet on like my second day and was like "you smoke? It's no big deal here." I, smartly, didn't answer. I broke down and got a new Ipod yesterday. This is the first MP3 player I've actually owned, so I certainly intend to take very good care of it. Not like I didn't with the others, but you obviously take things differently when you shell out a substantial amount of scratch for them, know what I'm saying? Woo hoo! A new survey! Thanks Ben! And happy birthday! 1. The person (or persons) who passed the baton to you. Ben, AKA DrFaustus on Epinions, AKA faustus.typepad.com. 2. Total volume of music files on your computer. Slightly over four gigs of music. 1,026 songs. And maybe another 10 on WMA that I can't transfer over to itunes. 3. The title and artist of the last CD you bought. My last trip to the record store yielded: "One Day It'll All Make Sense"-Common "Greatest Hits"-The Offspring "Dance Of The Infidel" -Meshell Ndegeocello Presents The Spirit Jamia "The CHitlin Circuit Vol. 1.5"-Little Brother 4. Song playing at the moment of writing. Nothing, actually, because my ass is headed out the door. 5. Five songs you have been listening to of late (or all-time favorites, or particularly personally meaningful songs) Recently: Been listening to a shitload of Michael Jackson "Wishful Thinking" by Duncan Sheik "Daughters" by John Mayer "Love Is" by Common feat. Bilal My Doorbell by The White Stripes-an addiction I currently share with Ben. 6. The five unfortunate victims to whom you will afflict with this musical baton. It's on you! Becky, Andrew Tomato, Nekkid Drew, Jeff and Danny on Myspace. I'm out! See yall!

3 |& ? To All The Dads Out There... [19 Jun 2005|09:02pm] I've mentioned a couple times the fact that I fel my life would have been different if there was a male figure in my life. I had uncles and family friends who filled in the gaps as I was growing up, but there was never an official "dad". No one to play catch with, no role model, so Father's Day has never been a particularly big day for me. I always made sure I got my grandpa a Father's Day gift, but he's been gone for a number of years now, so it's easy to forget this day when it pops up. I guess everyone needs some Obi-Wan Kenobi type figure in their life. I've always been enamored with the idea of fatherhood. It's something that I've thought of trying out myself, but I'm well aware that I possess nowhere near the amount of emotional and financial stability necessary to bring a child into this world. However, when I got up this morning, I sent out a few e-cards to friends of mine who I know have kids, so they would feel appreciated on this day. I know my friend Garrett loves his two boys. He's like a future Cliff Huxtable. And even when it comes to me, the dad in him pops up from time to time, never mind the fact that he's only two days older than me. I respect his fairness, his even keel, his need to do the right thing and think of others while doing it. My friend Andrew couldn't NOT be a dad, I don't think. Especially with the rough decision I had to make this week about my job, he's turned out to be a sympathetic ear, a wise, rational man. Someone who doesn't talk down to you. He can be gruff sometimes, but I think it's just a matter of "translating" some of the things he says to find out what he really means. Finally, there's my buddy Dave, who's only been a dad for a short couple of months. The sound in his voice when he told me he was going to be a dad, and the phone call we had the day after the kid was born will remain etched into my conscious forever. Without even thinking, the first thing I did was send him an e-card with a personal message in it. He said it made him cry. It touched me that I could be a part (however small) in something so special for him. So, fathers be good to your sons (to paraphrase John Mayer). Sons, be good to your dada. Make sure that however much distance may be between you, that the love you share always bridges that distance. Always let the other know that they are loved. Happy Father's Day

1 |& ? An Open Letter To Michael Jackson [18 Jun 2005|09:08pm] (Also posting this in the Writer's Corner on epinions.com) Dear Michael--- Congratulations on your recent acquittal. Thankfully, the panel of jurors on your case was smart enough to realize that there was obviously some sort of witchunt conducted by DA Sneddon that landed you in this case. Common sense still prevails, who'd have thunk it? That said, I'm not entirely convinced of your general innocence. I don't believe you molested THIS particular kid, but I'm not 100% sure that you haven't placed yourself in inappropriate situations with children in the past. I realize that you're a grown man, Michael. You're almost 50. Time to grow up, now. Get over the pain that you've encountered in your life. Seek therapy, seek solace in God. Try to figure out some way to regain some semblance of normalcy so you can enjoy the rest of your life. As someone who has been a huge fan of yours since he was a toddler, I've gotta say that I would love to hear new music from you. However, I also hope that a new album isn't made until you do some soul-searching and clean house. Fire your handlers and managers. They undoubtedly helped get you in this mess. It must be awfully hard to tell whether people have your best interests at heart or are just mooching off of you because you're Michael Jackson. Take it low-key. Your place in history would have been secure even if you were incarcerated. Work less on cultivating Michael Jackson, King Of Pop and work more on cultivating Michael Jackson, normal human being. Kill the paramilitary outfits. Move out of Neverland. Hang out with Janet, who has retained some semblance of normalcy despite her occasional lapses in common sense. It can't be too difficult to be incognito these days. Take off the pancake makeup and the wig and you're probably completely unrecognizable. Make your own breakfast. Go out to dinner with friends at night. Reattach yourself to reality, man. Lose the God complex. When you think of yourself as a special being, remember how close you were to spending your remaining days in a cell. Most importantly, do not put yourself in the position you put yourself in AGAIN. I appreciate your charity work and I bemoan the loss of your innocence. But if you allow yourself to be caught in a compromising position again, you are one stupid motherfucker. Even if your intentions for sharing a bed with children are completely pure (and if they are pure, then I should be honest enough to say that I shared beds with adults as a child and pre-teen and thought nothing of it), no one's gonna buy that innocent thing again. Consider this a warning. Don't make another "HIStory", an album devoted entirely on the frenzy that surrounded the 1993 molestation claims. Forgive and forget. No one wants to hear someone they presume as rich and worriless complaining (as far off as the idea that you're devoid of problems because you're loaded may be). Vent to friends and family, but smile and praise God publicly. Call Quincy. Call Justin and Usher. Call Kanye West. Call Beyonce. Call your brothers. Write some quality love songs and release an album. There are plenty of folks out there (ESPECIALLY black folks) who still love you. Be about your gift. You're a talented songwriter, singer and musician. You have nothing left to prove to anyone but yourself. You've made an indelible mark on me and plenty of people around the world. I was watching a video of some of your performances this evening, and even though I've seen the Motown 25 performance literally hundreds of times, I sat in front of the TV, transfixed. At some point, I consciously realized that I was mouthing the lyrics with a wide grin posted on my face, and tears were forming in my eyes. But if you decide that this is all too much for you and decide to walk away, I back you 5000%. You're off the hook, Michael Jackson. Whether you're ultimately guilty or innocent, take this as a lesson to be learned, and take steps to get right with yourself. Sincerely, Your #1 fan, Mike.

1 |& ? (Yawn) [17 Jun 2005|07:44am] I haven't posted because...I'm freaking exhausted. I totally forgot how frenzied the first couple days (or weeks) at a new job are. But the vibe seems cool. I'm picking up on most of the things I have to do, the hours are somewhat better than the last job. The only thing that keeps this from being perfect is the jitters I probably won't get over for a month or so. I've gotten home the last couple of days tired as hell. I haven't been so happy to see a Friday in quite some time.

13 |& ? Well... [14 Jun 2005|02:52pm] Interview taken. Job obtained. It all happened so fast that I haven't really had the time to digest it, but I start tomorrow morning, so I guess the digesting better take place ASAP. I've been freaking out for the past 24 or so hours, speaking to everyone I could possibly think of to see if I was making the right decision. One major sticking point was whether they would allow me to take my vacation at the end of June, and they've agreed to it (after much negotiation) so I'm pleased in that regard, but still, I'm as nervous as all hell. Some folks move from job to job with relative ease, but this is only my fourth job in the past 12 years, so I'm still new at the whole "starting over" thing. On the good side-I have medical, dental and optical insurance again (now maybe I can see someone about my wisdom tooth coming in and jamming my teeth together-causing excruciating pain), and I'll have a steady check, and I'll also be able to hold on to nearly 10,000 dollars of severance money. On the bad side-it's back to no free time. But considering how bored I was getting, maybe that's not such a bad thing. Too much to think and overthink about. I wish I could nap, but I don't see my eyes closing anytime soon.

2 |& ? Can Someone Trip Manu Ginobili And Sprain His Ankle? [12 Jun 2005|11:41pm] 1) The Pistons are getting their ass beat BAD. 2) Boston was actually a lot of fun. The weather was ugly, though. Hot and humid as hell. That said, though, it's always nice to get away and chill with people that you care about. Tom got me hooked on another cheezy TV show ("Next"), and he actually managed to sleep on Saturday night and DIDN'T SNORE! We went to this pool place on Friday night (Boston Billiards). I think that out of maybe 12 games we played, Tom maybe won two and I won one in legitimate fashion. The rest was a bunch of Tom scratching on the 8 ball. It was fun though. Gay pride in Boston was fun. It was way more low-key than New York City though. Here in NYC, you can't take two steps without landing on someone's foot or in their armpit. Here, everyone was mellow. It was crowded but not crazy. We met up with Becky (wonkywheels on LJ), although we missed getting to meet her adorable lawyer boyfriend, and also hooked up with Becky's friend Ethan (homolinus on LJ) who Tom and I had actually met before, but this was our first time really hanging out. He's a great guy-and adorable. The highlights of the afternoon were a) the drunk/high guy who was rolling around uncomfortably on the grass in front of us and b) Thelma Houston's performance, which was marred by the fact that the CD that provided the background music kept skipping. I bet she slapped the shit out of the sound guy after the show. After that, we hung out for a while in Becky's AWESOME apartment (with 2 porches and everything!)before going out to dinner and then karaoke, where I BUTCHERED Michael Jackson's "Off The Wall" (I'm still sucking on throat losenges because of that), and Becky turned out "It's Raining Men". I will say that the folks who were not part of our contingent were among the worst singers in the history of creation. So, again, a great great weekend. I'll miss New York pride (which I haven't attended since 2001 anyway), because I'll be in Detroit that weekend, but Boston was good enough. I hung out with good friends, and had a good time. Now all I need is for Becky to introduce me to The Lawyer so I can find out if he has a gay brother.

3 |& ? "I Can't Make Hamburgers With Ballsweat On My Hands" [09 Jun 2005|07:03pm] [ mood | hot ] [ music | "Never Let Me Down"-Kanye West & Jay-Z ] Said to myself after I dropped a package of ground beef into some hot water to thaw, followed by a trip to the bathroom, where I gave a hearty scratch to my t'aint after taking a pee. And before I (thankfully) washed my hands. This weather is too much. I've got two fans (a desk one and a box one) blowing simultneously, and it's still pretty warm in here. I thought I was suffering until I walked outside and was assaulted by the most arid heat I'd experienced in quite some time. It was like I walked out of my apartment and into Africa. I must say (to take a slightly different spin on a thread a friend started in his blog) that most men wearing flip-flops in public is not a good look. We guys have hairy, bony feet and we do not get pedicures, so teh ingrown and removed toenails, the corns, and Lord knows what else sort of mess up the whole smooth look our get-ups can generate. That said, I bought a pair of flip-flops today and although I have ugly feet, I WILL wear them (sparingly) in public, because it's fucking hot and they're fucking comfy. I have an interview on Monday as sort of a data management person at an indie label. Wish me luck. It's a pay cut from my last job, but I figure I'll go in, take their temperature, and if they make an offer, we can hammer out the details at a later date. As long as they don't say I have to start immediately, because my tickets are already bought for a trip to Michigan to visit Eric (for 3 1/2 days) and my friend Scott (for 2 1/2 days). I met Scott on ICUII in 2001 and we've chatted fairly often since. He's a good guy. But he's straight. And a nudist. This should be interesting. The NBA Finals start tonight. The Daily News picked The Pistons in 7 today, and I think that's pretty accurate. When you match the two teams up, the only position in which the Spurs have an advantage (and I'll grant you, it's a pretty sizable advantage) is power forward. Sheed will be overmatched, but I think they'll grind it out and win. Besides, I'm not sure I like Tim Duncan too much. He's a bit milquetoast, isn't he? I'm from Brooklyn, baby. Even the cleanest of us have a little bit of grime hiding in the shadows. Woo hoo! I was 3 for 3 on record purchases this week-Coldplay, The White Stripes and the greatest hits of Jodeci. All solid-great albums. OK, I gotta let this meat thaw for another thirty minutes or so, then time to cook dinner. Hamburger Helper, yay!

3 |& ? Strange Dreams Are Made Of This... [07 Jun 2005|05:46am] [ music | "Never Know" by Jack Johnson ] My dreams are getting weirder and weirder. Thankfully, I can still remember this one. I forget most of them shortly after I wake up. In this dream, I end up hosting an Alexander O'Neal concert. For those of you who don't know who Alexander is, he's a soul singer from the Eighties. Anyway, he shows up and I say he has to perform for the neighborhood. He agrees and there turns out to be this big line of folks. We can only acept 60 people in the basement, so we wind up cutting the line up and I wind up chasing the crackhead neighbor who lives across the street and almost hitting her. Turns out Alexander only has some clunky device that plays one song, "Innocent", a song that has a spastic, lengthy keyboard solo. I get drafted as the keyboard lip-syncher. All I have to do is press 111 on this device to get the music to play. Sonewhere along the line, the guest list grows to include New Edition (minus Ralph-and they appear AFTER I announce them to be in the house), Guy, Heavy D., and Janet Jackson (who attempts to leave to go to the bathroom until I tell a female friend to escort her to the clean one upstairs). I go to start up the song, but because it's dark (and my vision sucks), I end up cueing up the wrong song and destroying the tape, at which point a call goes around the audience asking for an actual keyboard player. Teddy Riley from Guy finally says that he'll play, starts into a song-and then the cops come to shut the whole thing down. Now, strangely, by the end of this dream, the venue has changed from my graqndmother's basement in Brooklyn to an abandoned ASPC (??) in the Bronx. The cops shut us down for operating without a permit, everyone leaves, and a cop looks at me funny because he thinks that I've been smoking coke. The end of the dream is fuzzy, but I remember stopping at some newstand and asking a guy where White Plains Road was and he said "north" and that's the direction I went in. What a weird fucking dream.And I shit you not, that's exactly how it came out.

2 |& ? Thud [06 Jun 2005|10:41am] I need to find something to occupy my time, because I feel like I'm in complete free-fall. Common sense says that when you leave someone a voice mail, you call back, if only to say "Hey, I got your voice mail". I left Chris/Brian/whoever two voice mails this weekend, just saying "Hey, what's up-let's hang out" and I haven't heard peep. The conclusion I come to is basically that it's only necessary for him to contact me when he's horny, and he has no desire in doing anything even remotely social with me. People are assholes. If he was up front about that from jump, I wouldn't feel so bothered about it now. Guys are just as bad-if not worse-than women are. Can I get a straight answer from somebody, for crying out loud?!?! The only guy I've met that actually wants to spend time with me is completely incompatible with me. I'm just feeling incredibly alone. I thought that this time off would strengthen the few local friendships I have, but I've not spent time with anyone of substance in the five weeks I've been off-except for the time I was in D.C. Everyone's got their own business to attend to-I'm everyone's fifth wheel. And that's probably not gonna change anytime soon. To make matters even more depressing, I've spent the morning checking out job sites, and there's not one thing that interests me remotely. I got two leads towards the end of last week, so I sent out my resume, and now I'm sitting by the phone on pins and needles hoping someone calls me back, wondering why I didn't just pack up and move my shit to Jacksonville. I'd be unhappy, but at least I'd be employed. So, right now, my options are looking like: a) go to the park and sit around by myself all day, b) try to work my way through as many job sites as I can, c) get drunk and forget the past couple of days happened or d) sleep.

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